You know what, I started thinking about fixing to answer it well before Friday, but here we are on Saturday and -- hey, I'm actually SIX DAYS EARLY for next TMI Friday. So, yeah. Suck on it. I'm early to the party! Jerks!
So. Here is this week's submission.
Dear Sassmouth: It seems like "monogamish" relationships are cropping up all over the place these days. (It was in Savage Love again last week!) So, um...is this a thing we all have to do now? A guy I like told me that he was into me but that he wasn't ready to sacrifice "variety", and another friend of mine suggested strongly that I consider an open relationship with the guy but I really, really don't like the idea. I don't know if it's my upbringing (conservative Christian) or what, but it makes me uncomfortable. Am I just closed-minded and uptight? Is there something wrong with me that I don't want to share this guy with anyone?
-Signed, One...and Only?
No, sugar, there's nothing wrong with you. And a big bag of dicks to your friend for trying to convince you to do something that you're not comfortable with. Even if it's not with him. I don't take kindly to missionaries (though I've nothing at ALL against the position). If you know in your heart that nonmonogamy ain't for you, then you need to trust that. Don't try to make yourself be something that you aren't -- and it sounds like, in your case, you really aren't. Social conditioning isn't the only reason people want monogamy. That's just how some of us are wired.
The flip side of the coin is, of course, that some of us are wired the other way. And it's quite possible that your friend is wired nonmonogamous, and he just cannot understand why anyone wouldn't want that. (He still needs to shut it, though.)
Monogamy and non-monogamy are, I believe, orientations -- hardwired as any other sexual orientation. That's not to say that they are immutable and invulnerable to social conditioning -- the social consequences of being openly polyamorous, especially if you have children, can be shattering -- but there's always that kernel inside a person. A lot of potentially nonmonogamous people have simply never seriously considered the idea -- or are put off by a huge amount of chatter from the world at large about jealousy and the narrative of that one singular relationship. And again, orientations can shift over time. Sexuality is a far more fluid thing than most of us give it credit for, so I suppose it's a good idea not to discount the possibility that some day you might want to explore a different kind of relationship. But if you do, base it on how you feel, down deep, and not what someone else is telling you to do.
I have a lot of thoughts on monogamy and nonmonogamy from a sociocultural and evolutionary standpoint (read Sex at Dawn and get your mind blown, man, and read Gay Talese's Thy Neighbor's Wife if you feel like wading through an astonishing amount of bias to read some interesting and uncomfortable things about how NOT to make polyamory work), but the important thing here, I guess, is that probably more people are doing it, and doing it successfully, than most of us realize (according to good old Dan Savage, and he assures us we'll hear more about it in a future column) and that it (like pretty much everything in life and relationships) requires absolute frankness and full disclosure -- and constant checking in. And like pretty much anything else involving sex, it isn't for everyone -- and you should never let someone push you into doing something you feel is wrong for you.
So why would someone want to do it? What are the benefits and how does a couple (plus) make it work? And hey, just how prevalent is this? The internet is, unsurprisingly, chock full of information about the first three questions but the last one, who can say. I'm more interested in what this small pool of people reading the blog have to say -- both about the question and about the issue in general. Feel free to comment anonymously if it suits your needs. Does the practice appall you? Intrigue you? Does it work for you, or did you try and find it to be an utter fail?
*An important note: this is NOT, I repeat NOT, about cheating -- about lying and deception and dishonesty. Because I think we can all agree that that's just shitty. And devastating. This is consensual, honest, all-parties-aware nonmonogamy we're talking about here.