Offensive and Potentially Triggering Things I Don't Say on Facebook

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My imaginings about what I would like to have happen with an entire Cafette chocolate cake have a disturbing similarity to rape fantasies. 

Like, it wouldn't be my fault. Someone would MAKE me and I would pretend I didn't want to eat that whole fucking cake but SECRETLY IT WOULD BE SO GOOD.

I don't have actual rape fantasies. Just forced cake fantasies.

This article on Jezebel about getting a faceful of hot man-gravy -- well, let me just disagree with the esteemed Mr. Savage on this one. Why does it have to be enjoyable because it's degrading? Why can't it just be GREAT? I feel that way about a lot of things that are supposedly enjoyable because they're so degrading. No, they just feel awesome and some of us are wallowers by constitution -- some of us revel in different physical sensations. Not that there's anything wrong with enjoying degradation, but not everybody is walking around with a little Victorian valise of cultural sexuality baggage. 

(I would like to have one, though. Who knows what might be inside?)

You know what's degrading is making 70 cents on a man's dollar, but that's not what I think about when I party with my Pyrex.*

 

So what don't you post on Facebook, or say in mixed company?

 

 

 

*Why is there no link? Well, you know when you have a plumber in the house and he walks up behind you while you're googling glass dildos? I didn't have time to find the right one. So just imagine. 

 

Comments

[Meira]

Didn't realize Cafette had chocolate cake. Really must get over there some day.
Also, I freaking love Hugo (the guy who wrote the Jezebel article).

[A]

I don't spend a lot of time thinking about the psychology of why I do or don't like something sexually. Where is the fun in that? I like it, he likes it, we do it. And let's just say I purchased massive 80s glasses for eye protection.

[AussieA]

{I just typed a comment and it disappeared, so sorry if this appears twice]

Eye protection, yes! Because, man, gravy can sting!

I had to stop doing humour based on rants on facebook, because people thought I was actually serious and I kept getting feedback about how "angry" I seemed lately, with the implication that it was unseemly. Which then just made me proper-angry, because OMG I am so sick of the way people cannot handle women expressing an unpleasant emotion.

The reactions really surprised me, because it came from friends who (a) supposedly knew me and therefore should be well aware that I am full of shit and a smartarse and (b) who were modern, intelligent women I didn't think would mind too much even if it was real anger.

Then friends parents friended me, so I stopped swearing quite as much.

[Jo]

Whoa, simmer down there, ladies. Don't get so ANGRY.

A, OH MY GOD is that why all the hipster girls wear those giant glasses? IS IT?

Meira, back before they redid the place, they had the most insane chocolate cake. I'd never had anything like it. Perfect fusion of chocolate and butter. Don't know if that's changed in the many years since we ate there though...they were pretty disappointing otherwise.

But the cake. I want that cake to have ME.

[Jul]

Totally agree with you on the Savage thing.... Dan, I normally love you, but the only thing going through my mind as jizz is coming towards my, um, anything is "OH GOD HAWT HAWT HAWT". I, um, don't post about that. Or - to borrow another Savage trope - about how "monogamish" couples are, y'know, MORE COMMON THAN ONE MIGHT IMAGINE, so to speak.

[justagirl]

There's a shit ton I don't put on facebook- like..how much I miss the dick of my ex-extra-marital fling...like how much porn I'm checking out in my phone, and how much I'm overwhelmed most days.

[DrA]

I would really like to know what NON sex stuff people don't post. Because I expect everyone to have some sex weirdness. I want to know what I CAN'T imagine.

[lisa]

I don't post the details of my parenting difficulties. I don't post much about work, as everything I do confidentially protected by law although we could laugh for hours at the creative shenanigans of drug seekers. I mostly post the good stuff about my life and it reminds me just how much of that thete really is.

[Jo]

Jul, I have NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.

I don't post about a lot of family things, now that I think about it.

[A]

The list of what I will/do post about on FB is much, much shorter than the list of stuff that I don't post about. There is not actually much of me on there, I realize. I don't post about things like sex, my marriage, problems I have with extended family (not allowed to be angry, nope), being childless not entirely be choice, how my "career" isn't really going as I would like...Things that I notice other people posting about that I won't include poop (and poop schedules of ADULTS) , my undying love for my husband (and our every little cute anniversary), alcohol, politics.

[sara]

Post pushing a baby out my vag, I've really gotten into fisting. Every time we do it I love it so much I just want to go tell everyone in the world to try it.