Today we're going to talk about lube. Yeah, that's right -- I'm not going to ease you in with a clever pun or slip in a comically oblique setup. We're just going to ram it right in there, because we have lube!
There are lots of places you can go if you want to read about the different types of lube -- you can find water-based, silicone-based, oil-based, natural, flavored, utilitarian, post-apocalyptic, inadvisable -- but we'll leave that to the experts who care and have web designers and don't have to do their writing hunched in the dark of their children's bedroom while they wait for the hyperstimulated little effers to finally pass out.
Each has its own particular uses and advantages -- don't use the oil-based stuff with latex condoms and oh, pretty much anything else -- and since I have NO IDEA what disgusting, elaborate things y'all are up to in the privacy of your own bedrooms/offices/bus seats, I can't recommend any one particular thing for your particular thing. Or things. But I will tell you some things about lube that I learned the hard way.
Get it? Get it about the hard way? You know, hard? (Here the author leans meaningfully toward you:) HARD?
First. For general-purpose p-in-v activity, where "p" stands for "phallic object of unspecified type", water-based lube works best for me. It works equally well for fine handiwork, and does fine for deliveries in the rear. It's the Honda Civic of lubes. Maybe the Accord. Even the Odyssey.
Second. Not just any water-based lube will do. Most of the brands readily available in the drugstore are glycerin-based, which might be fine for you but glycerin = sugar and for me that = yeast. No funny joke here. Because it sucks, even when you know about the boric acid trick (another post about that someday). Thankfully a very wise midwife, at my first postpartum visit some six years ago, suggested a product now called Slippery Stuff but formerly known as something more medical-sounding. In fact, it's what they squirt on their hands and speculum in that practice. Good stuff, and it comes in a large pump bottle. Not paraben-free but I decided I would accept that exposure. Quality of life issue.
There is a liquid version and a gel version, and I think the gel stays put a little better but gets sticky and dry a bit faster when exposed to air. Each has its own applications. But the stuff has no glycerin and doesn't cause my sensitive ladyparts any troubles.
Third. In fact, I'm pretty sure it prevents trouble. Due to a quirk of anatomy or maybe just some sort of karmic balance for my otherwise satisfying life, I get urinary tract infections at the drop of a cranberry. I've been this way since i was a little girl, and no one has ever identified an underlying cause, and even though I'm fucking excellent with my hygeine and various post-sex rituals I still sometimes get them, especially after a lot of friction.
But friction...isn't that kind of the point? Well yes and no. Unlubricated friction pretty much guarantees me misery with 72 hours, but if I am generous with the lube, everybody's happy. Very happy.
Fourth. But blah blah foreplay blah blah natural lubrication blah blah gradually warmed up blah!
Hey, I am never going to tell you not to spend HOURS on foreplay. But 1) sometimes, depending on a woman's natural tendencies, current hormone profile, point in her menstrual cycle, or failure to drink anything but Coke Zero and coffee for the past two weeks, even an entire episode of Community's worth of foreplay might not get you to where you need to be for a serious prolonged pounding, and 2) does nobody else ever get impatient? Or occasionally prefer the experience of relative unpreparedness? No? Whatever. And finally 3) lube is A LOT OF FUN for foreplay. I hate the term "foreplay" anyway. It implies that all the other fun stuff is just a means to an end, and that end is penetration, otherwise it doesn't count! And that is fifty different flavors of dumb.
Also, on a more personal note, and I bet you didn't even imagine such a thing was possible, that it could get more personal than the above: I used to feel awful about myself if I didn't produce my own six quarts of ladyjuice. Just completely inadequate and defective. And instead of calling time out on activities I soldiered on and didn't always have the time I could have had, ending up uncomfortable or hard up or with a horrible UTI. Getting comfortable with using some lube made a huge difference, and learning there was something besides K-Y and Astroglide made things even more awesome.
Bridget: OK...if we're talking strictly lube, I am a fan of Sliquid, but typically only use it if I'm incorporating toys (especially, and don't click on this at work or in front of impressionable youth, this guy). Seriously...the image does NOT do the actual thing (hee) justice! Guess my eyes were bigger than my vajay.
But I digress...what I'm about to say is going to be a significant departure from Joanna's take on the matter. Whereas Jo's perspective involves genitourinary health promotion, therapeutic self-disclosure, and insightful product analysis, MY approach...well, I'm just nasty. And my opinion only serves to raise awareness of my grodiness. See, I like good ol' fashioned spit. Specifically, the particular consistency of spit that results from...uh...being gagged with something. Not sayin' what, cause I'm a lady, you understand. But yeah, a little of that seems to go a long way and doesn't linger on my parts like lube and is also body temperature (I can't stand cold stuff down there and the concept of warming lube creeps me out). I know, I know! I deserve every last UTI I get (although I KNOW the one I have now is a function of coke zero swillin' and 12+ hour shifts, so I will keep spittin' in my slice thank you very much). Oh, and I know this does little to detract from my less than hygienic practices, and you probably don't believe me anyway, but I DO perform meticulous clean up. No really, I DO!
Gretchen: Bridget, if how you treat your 'back massager' is any indication of cleanliness, then NO YOU DO NOT, stop playin'.
Dude, what would you call that particular consistency of spit? That comes from the way-back (the technical term for the last set of rear-facing seats in a station wagon) of the throat? Because I do know what you mean about that: it is extra slimy and...durable? Hard to explain. Actually, you know what? It's a little phlegmy. Oh no, the next time that happens I'm gonna remember that it's phlegm and not be able to use it. Which is probably for the best.
I might have the opposite problem you used to have, Jo: absolutely no warm up is ever required; this slip n' slide is already ready already. Not problematic at all, but it means I've had to venture into the land of lube only for prolonged activity and...er...back door entry. Or if I'm reeeeeeeaaaaaally stoned and, therefore, dehydrated. And for that reason, I don't perhaps have the breadth and depth of knowledge you slutty sluts seem to. Sluts.
Wow, I think it is safe to say that we have, for once, TRULY provided TMI here.
Joanna: And I'm popping back in to say that I think spit is the WORST. It has a paradoxical effect after a certain point and I feel like it dries or irritates certain tissues, at least unless it is being provided directly from the source in a constant and steady manner.
In other words, unless it is being applied directly and thoroughly, or unless it *is* that phlegmy stuff, it's too thin and kind of catches on things. It kills more people than it saves.
You know what else I forgot? When we were trying for FIVE GODDAMN YEARS to get pregnant, we were at one point using pasteurized egg whites for lube in the hopes that they wouldn't kill the sperm. It was yicky. There are some lubes marketed as sperm-friendly but I am not convinced by even the manufacturer's own data. God. And sometimes we just used straight-up egg whites from organic local eggs in the hopes that I wouldn't get crotch salmonella. So far so good, but whoooo am I glad I don't have to think about that ever again.
And I'm sorry, how am *I* the slut if you are the one with the giant light-up arrow pointing to your greased-up Tunnel of Love and people are just innocently walking down the sidewalk and they go "whoops!" like on a banana peel and they're TOTALLY INSIDE YOUR VAGINA? HOW AM I THE SLUT THEN?