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10/18/2011

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"I dreeeeam of penis with the light brown hair/Borne, like a vapor, on the summer air/I seeeee him tripping where the bright streams play..."
STREAMS! Ahahahaha! And you're welcome for takin' it back to 1854 with the obscure Stephen Foster reference.

I should also note that in the original post, Gretchen asked me to tell the 'my poopoo hurt' story and then she CHANGED her post in such a way that my transition MAKES NO SENSE! It's almost as if she'd thought I'd read through the damn post again before I hit publish. Jeez.

You know what, I am a stickler about using proper anatomical terms...once in a while. And then we just call things whatever. I liked the word "pipka" so much that I totally stole it and now we use it. But my girls know they have vulvas and that the hole part is called the vagina and the part that baby Sophia called "the wormie" is the clitoris.

"Vulva" comes out "fo-fa" when they're tiny, which is adorable.

But calling the whole thing the vagina is R-O-N-G. I'm not gonna get on your three-year-old's nuts about it, Gretchen, but if you're a grown-ass lady I'm going to correct you. I remember our neighbor's mom called the whole kit and caboodle the "labia" and that ENRAGED our mother.

Eh, I mean, in the end (hee!) it's probably not that big of a deal. It's fun to make up and use slang, as long as you have a sound basis in the geography of Down There and what things are really called. Because that information is very useful as you get older and have to explain exactly what hurts/feels good when you touch it/has broken out in chancres.

Dude, totally tried to explain lady parts to Kitten but she gets MAD and insists on calling the whole package "labia." She doesn't like how vagina and vulva *sound.* What to do, what to do? :)

She's gets what a penis is but describing balls/nuts/testes/etc? Blank stare.

Hey, I'll never argue with a five-year-old! I stand for the rights of the tiny to call the package whatever they want. :)

I don't believe I was aware of the concept of testes until I was MUCH older, either. Despite having gotten a good look at the equipment of many baby boys and cousins. Hm.

Hmm...it must be because I'm the youngest that I never got a look at the equipment of baby boys and cousins (not that I'm disappointed or anything). My one childhood experience seeing a penis was the time a little boy at Mom's Day Out (aka Mom Stay Out aka super part-time preschool) forgot to lock the bathroom door and I happened to catch a glimpse of what was going on in there. I remember being horrified and telling Mom that "It looked like it had a piece of American cheese wrapped around it!".

We are bland as thus far we use penis, vagina, and breast. Well, I'm the only one who uses 'breast' and mainly it's directional as in, "Dang son! Get your knobby elbow off my breast, that hurts!". I think I've said 'boob' before and Abby thought they were 'nursies' until she weaned a little after 2.

The kids' dad calls the penis anything from a willy to a pecker. I don't really care because when I yell, "Make sure you wash your penis!" into the general direction of the bathroom where my son is in the shower, he knows what I mean and he gits r done. You know, being as we live in Tennessee.

I don't truly believe that the kids' dad even processes a vagina, vulva, or labia (unless he's huddled in his office after hours looking at 'Auburn Admin Assistants Gone Wild') and if he did, he would fervently whisper it into his new wife's ear and let her take over whatever Vaginal story was unfolding. Get it? Folds?

I went through my MDC phase where I tried to call the vulva a 'yoni' or her 'power' but my decidedly UN-crunchy (now ex) husband wouldn't hear of such foolishness. Nevermind the checklist of granola that was our household at that time. I guess 'yoni' would have pushed him over the edge. Of our family bed. Oh boi, I digress. Ambien's kicked in so I should stop rambling and stumble off to bed. Cheers!

I went through a phase thinking it was RONG, too, Jo, but "vagina" is like "Band-Aid" or "Scotch tape" or "Kleenex" - it's so ingrained into the language that insisting on using the "proper" terminology is hopeless. A general term for the area is often necessary, and there isn't a proper one - all the terms are very specific, except maybe "mons pubis" and even that isn't encompassing - and for better or worse, vagina got picked. It is the biggest and most powerful part of the equipment, so I can see why. I wonder what other languages do (aside from slang)? I can't remember learning that in French or German. Now, if we all had cloacae, it'd be a lot easier. (My recent favorite term, learned from a little old African-American lady: pocketbook, pronounced "pockabook.")

A: that is mostly why i use 'vagina' as the given term. also, because philip grins in a pesky way when he says it.
and 'mons pubis' always sounded like a rapper to me.

Oh, yeah, A, I see your point. Vulva *is* the correct generic catchall for the external parts, but as long as we can NOT say "pudenda" I will pledge tolerance.

AWWWW SHEEE-OT! Mons Pubis in da HIZZY!!! You really can't take the 'hood out of the Mons, can you?

Pocketbook is straight up brillz.

We are an all-boy household (well, minus ME, obvs) and we interchanged both "penis," and, get this, "woo-woo."

The best I can remember -- it was 17 YEARS AGO GOD -- about the origins of woo-woo is that when we'd change our older son's diapers, we'd open them up and go "Woo Woo No Poo-Poo!" or "Woo Woo Poo-Poo!" and SOMEHOW he associated "contents of diaper" with "penis" and thus "woo woo" was born. Now our entire extended families call baby boy penises (penii?) woo-woos.

Re: girl parts. My mom used "vagina" as a catch-all name for the Downtown Area, but I had a friend who taught her daughters to say "front heinie," which is, no.

that's right jo so SHU UP. gawl.

FRONT BUTT!

I can not honestly remember what my mother used to describe it. I either have pushed it out of my memory or she was actually able to avoid describing it for almost 40 years (the time between the first girl and when the last girl of 5 left home).

Weiner was for boys. It made the package of Oscar Meyers hysterical.

With that said, I definitely remember that going poop was called "auch-y". You have to pretend you're a Scot: "auch!" "ee!" I think it must have been a progession of "Yucky" when a diaper was exposed.

And this all reminds of the time my husband asked me how was I going to go pee after having the sperm-stopping plug inserted INTO MY VAGINA after a IUI. He was serious. No wonder we hadn't been able to get pregnant.

Oh it's quite simple really, boys have Ding dongs all the way up to manhood. Girls are a bit more complex as there is a progression. Diaper wearing girls have Baby Girl Parts. Nondiaper wearing girls have Little Girl Parts. And finally Hairy vulvas graduate to BIIIIIG Girl Parts.

Yo-yo mama: OMG. That is all.

Our cousins used to refer to their boy parts as "beebers." Which means I cannot take Justin Bieber remotely seriously, not that I was in danger of doing that anyway.

Stranger Danger, that's basically the series of Polish terms in translation!

Oh and re: Yoni -- it's the Hebrew version of "Johnny." I know a dude named Yoni. I always wonder if he knows about that.

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  • the modernity ward
    Jo's old blog! Chock full of comedy, ruthless honesty, bullshit, and cooters. Lots of cooters.