Sassmouth

Recipe for Disaster

Disaster, in this case, being a vaginal yeast infection. If you don't think that's a disaster, you've never suffered an intractable one that resists the best efforts of over-the-counter creams. And not had the time or cash to go to the doctor to get the scrip that might not work anyhow.

The good news: there is a relatively inexpensive and natural way to fight even a really horrible yeast infection. The only side effect is that you'll go on and on, in mixed company, about how great it is that you're finally shed of that horrid yeast, and would you like to hear about it, barkeep?

A word on the OTC creams/suppositories: I have three problems with them. One is that I suspect their greasiness sometimes "seals off" the yeast, leaving a few of the rat bastards stuck to your vaginal wall to multiply again when the barely effective medication wears off. The second is that sometimes they really BURN. And they make a big old mess. Third, they don't do anything to right the imbalance in vaginal pH or flora that caused the problem in the first place. How does cramming a bunch of mineral oil up in your snatch fix ANYTHING? 

Then there's the yogurt school of thought. Which is okay -- partial credit -- but marginally effective. The garlic clove method works a little better but your breath WILL smell like garlic, and garlic kind of kills everything. Plus you've done nothing to correct whatever's gone horribly awry in your vagina.

So. What I'm about to impart to you is hardly a secret -- you can find it in student health brochures and old-school medical professionals know about it -- but it's not widely used, which is a shame. Because it works so darn well.

Here's your shopping list:

• 1 bottle pharmaceutical grade Boric Acid Powder (this is the stuff you want) It can be hard to find -- I have found it at drugstores, one grocery store in the drugstore section, and a vitamin shop-type place. It might be with the opthalmic products, as it's used in making eyewashes as well. Ignore any scary warnings on the bottle -- diluted, you can put it right in your eye. Just don't eat it and you'll be fine.
• 00 Gelatin Capsules (like so) These are easier to find -- most health food stores carry them, and you can sometimes even find them in the bulk section and scoop out however many you want.
• Vinegar-water douche Summer's Eve makes one that's widely available. I mean, you could make your own if you wanted to but they're cheap and they're everywhere. Make sure it doesn't have anything besides vinegar and water and maybe benzoic acid.
• Acidophilus capsules The best ones are sold in a refrigerator case but if that's not an option the room-temp ones are okay -- as long as they're capsules and not solid tablets.

Take your boric acid powder and fill a few of the 00 capsules. About half-full is as good as you're going to get, but amount isn't that important. Set the filled capsules aside. 

Remove the lid from your douche bottle and dump a couple capsules' worth of the acidophilus powder in there. Shake shake shake. Repair to the bathroom and hose things out. "Won't all that vinegar hurt my poor tender ladybits?" you may wonder. The answer is no, it won't, because that part of your body is designed to be acidic anyway. In fact it may even feel soothing to irritated tissues. 

So! Now you've re-acidified your vagina, the bad guys are dying, and you've deposited a bunch of beneficial acid-loving bacteria in there to replace them. Take one of your boric acid capsules and insert it as far up as you can. The capsule will dissolve after a while, and the boric acid powder will leave your body as a whitish goo, so do it before bed and wear your period underpants or a liner of some sort. 

Repeat for 2-3 nights. You can usually get away with douching just once at the beginning of treatment and using only the boric acid capsules the other nights; if you have a really bad one that has resisted other treatments, you might douche, skip a night and just use the capsule, and then douche a third night before you put in your capsule. 

If you are treating preventatively (say, if you're starting a course of antibiotics) you can try just the capsules as well. 

And that's about it. Simple, cheap, easy to do. The hardest part is finding the boric acid powder. Big thanks to Jill for imparting this method to me many years ago. 

 

 

TMI Thursday: Edition: Hey There, Little Squirt

Because this one could NOT wait for Friday!

Question: Female ejaculation! Discuss.

Answer:

Joanna: That's not a question. Also, ew! You probably just peed the bed! Cover your shameful pudenda and run crying from the room!

No, honey, I'm sorry. Come back here. Sit down. :pats bed: You know what? That's normal. It happens, to some of us, sometimes. To others of us, a lot of times. And to still others, never. Whichever one it is for you, don't worry. You're normal. 

Here is the Savage Love explanation, and here is a whole book about the subject (that I have not read). Here is another book by the same author. If you don't feel like doing the outside reading I will say, briefly: Yes, it is a real thing, and if you don't believe me, sniff it or taste it when it happens. The best way to make it happen is to spend a lot of time getting all warmed up, and then launch a targeted attack on the g-spot. The more rounds of approach-back off you do, the better it'll be. Add clitoral stimulation for extra credit. Don't stop if you think you're about to pee because probably you're not; throw down a towel and relax, hon. As for how to hit that spot, if you have a partner, that partner can use finger/s curved up in a "come here" kind of gesture (now that's easy to remember!), or the phallic object of his or her choice. If you're solo, a curved dildo works best. 

You might see a giant wet spot; you might see a spurt. You might get a little dribble but oh my god, wasn't that awesome? And you might not be able to tell because if there's something big up in there, it's going to divert the flow. Or maybe nothing happens. I ain't making promises. Like anything else in sex, it's not a yardstick of your ability to enjoy yourself or please your partner, so nobody is allowed to get hung up on whether it happens or not.

A word about porn: Remember that most of what you see in even convincingly amateur-looking porn is fake. Or exaggerated. Or it's real but the person featured was specifically chosen because of her unusual ejaculating abilities. If you ejaculate but it doesn't look the way it does on the internet, let it go. Ha. Get it?

Bridget: So I was in the process of composing a dummy TMI question entitled "Squirting or Stress Incontinence?" when I saw that you beat me to the punch!  And I'm glad you did, because your entry was far more succinct than mine would have been (as you've probably guessed by now, brevity isn't my strong suit).  Anyhoodle...I find there are two kinds of people: those who consider female ejaculation to be a legitimate phenomenon and those who think it's piss.  And then you have a person like me.  Once upon a time I scoffed (secretly, of course, 'cause I wasn't trying to ruin other people's Christmases) at the very pornography to which Jo referred. The VERY PORNOGRAPHY!  You know, like, Flirtin' & Squirtin' Part 6 or (tis' the season) Ejacula or some such.  But then one day, after my current partner and I had been kickin' it for some time, IT HAPPENED TO ME!  And I'm not talking a little fluid leakage...I'm talking a violent, porn-star-style propulsion of liquid.  At first I wasn't entirely certain that said liquid wasn't pee (though it certainly didn't feel like I was peeing).  So I did what any prudent researcher would have done: I tasted it.  I mean, come ON...don't tell me you don't know what pee tastes like.  Even if you've never tasted it, per se, you'd know it if you did, right?  Well this did NOT look, taste, or smell like pee.  It was clear (left no stain after drying on the white sheet), had a faint seawater smell (and I don't mean fishy so quit giggling), and tasted almost sugary. 

Now, haven't read the book on female ejaculation, and I can't say I understand the physiology of the phenomenon, but I'm not sure I want to.  I have decided that what I experienced (and have many times since that fateful day) is indeed female ejaculation and that I am awesome...and I would not like to be disabused of this notion.  Because perception is reality (another notion of which I would not like to be disabused).

So...squirting or stress incontinence? You be the judge...but regardless of what you decide, you'll want to invest in a good sex blanket. 

Because I Piss Excellence...

…and sometimes boiling hot pee.  Which totally qualifies me to discuss women’s health issues and other topics that are absolutely none of your goddamn business in a public forum.*  Per Joanna, I am supposed to tell y’all a little bit about myself, so here goes:  I’m a 29 y.o. DWF ISO the approval (or at least the attention) of the internets and a virtual arena in which to air my dirty laundry (and my sisters’…and maybe yours, too, if you write in on TMI Friday).  I am indifferent to long walks on the beach and only enjoy traveling after I’ve taken enough benzos to allow me to board the plane without hysterics.  Likes include all matters mental health/psych, keeping it real to the point of it going wrong, and Count Chocula.  Cause fuck that BooBerry noise, Joanna.  I am also a mama, an RN, and a polyglot with an ass that won’t quit.  I’m not gonna say WHAT it won’t quit, though, because hey…someone has to keep it classy around here.  

*Please see Joanna's inaugural post for a complete list of topics. And lots of cusswords.